It's almost May.

Hey everyone! I finally have some free time, so I am back with a new post!

A lot of things have happened since I last updated my blog, and nothing has been going well.

I started school about two weeks ago and the assignments have already started piling up. I'm taking three modules this block, which are Apparel Manufacturing Process, Professional Communication in Design and my CDS, Basics of E-Entrepreneurship. PComD and E-Entrep are actually so useful but AMP is literally boring my brains out and I want to bury myself in a hole and sleep for ten years. Can I do that? Because I really do want to.

School is the only thing going well in my life so far. Since the end of March, Lucas and I have broken up. That whole month was just so awful, and painful is an understatement.

It started at the end of February when my parents were monitoring the CCTV in our house from the office and saw Lucas and I going up to my room together and closing the door. And since then, it spiraled down, real fast.

They forbade him from ever coming to our house ever again, and throughout the whole month, they reduced me to tears almost every night, pressuring and threatening him with physical harm if we didn't end our relationship, and throwing my possessions around, namely my iPhone and my Mac. Let's not forget the beatings and verbal abuse that came along with it.

Reasoning with them was like talking to a brick wall, no matter how many hours and how much effort and how many actual reasons and legit explanations I gave, they always came to a conclusion that I had no rights to any of my opinions, because I was still living under their roof, or I wasn't old enough to have my own opinions, or that they simply didn't care about my feelings as a person.

Lucas and I argued almost everyday, and even though we did try to make things work, everything was just too far gone. Maybe because of things I did before, mixed in with all these problems, everything fell apart. I never ever said I didn't do anything wrong, because I did and I was sorry and I did change, but no matter what I did, I was never good enough.

Everyday was a fear fest of what would happen to him if my dad lost it and wanted to carry out his threats and what if they kicked me out of the house? There definitely could have been solutions, but was I too scared or to selfish to do them?

He didn't know how complicated it was, and how hard it was on me, I think. He probably knew superficially, but no, not really. I doubt he saw how it affected me. I know it affected him a lot, and I did whatever I could to alleviate his burden, but now that I think about it, he didn't do that for me in return.

I was so stressed my period didn't even come, and I worried even more if I was pregnant. And I'm not, thankfully, my April period is here and it hurts like a bitch, but its ok.

The way it ended was like it didn't end at all. I was telling him I was worried and scared and I was weak to the thought of him getting hurt, and he read every message and he just didn't reply. He stopped talking to me right then and I guess that's when it ended. It was a few days before our 3rd month, and a week before his birthday.

He had fun on his birthday, which made me happy. He deserved a happy 20th. I still haven't given him his birthday present, but I don't think he needs it, or wants it. I think he hates me now, and I don't mind. From what I know, he's happy and I wish I could be genuinely happy for him to have found someone 'his type' and who can make him smile, but I can't.

I did feel very deeply and strongly for him, and even though it wasn't a 'truly, madly, deeply' love, I did love him. But he's forgotten me and I'm trying to come to terms with it, and it's far from easy.

He isn't a perfect person, nobody is. But he is a good person, and I know that for myself. We have flaws and I did things that pissed him off, and vice versa, but he is an inherently kind and giving person. He can be hot-tempered, and painfully straightforward, and that's ok. I had a lot of first times with him, and maybe that's what makes him special to me, and I, not to him.

There is so much more to say about what happened, but I don't really know how to phrase it, and it's pretty unnerving bearing all to strangers who may be reading this.

Long story short, it's been a month since we parted ways and I still think about him at night, and I fall asleep to my own labored breathing. Sometimes, I remember the times we spent cuddled up together in that very bed, and the happiness I felt with him, and the tears fall because I don't think I will ever feel that comfortable with someone ever again. Not with someone I knew for such a short time at least.

When I walk home and see the space where he used to park his bike when he came to see me, I catch myself thinking 'when is he coming again' and I realize he isn't coming back, ever.

This house is now haunted for me. The ghost of us lingers and can turn my mood from pleasantly numb, to roaring sadness. Everywhere I turn, even when I'm in places like town, I can see us, us being happy and laughing and holding hands and I can hear the 'I love you's. And it really hurts.

What hurts more is how he doesn't seem to care anymore. I wish I was selfless and kind enough to wish him well, and I thought I would have been able to, because its what I said I'd do, if he could find someone to bring back his smile, but I can't.

I can do so many things, but forgetting you is not one of them.

I can't wait to move out of this stupid fucking house, so I don't have to keep seeing him everywhere. To the sofas I sit on, the bathrooms I bathe in, the bed I sleep in, and the places I visit.

It may have been easy for him to forget me, because it's something he's used to. And I thought it'd be easy to forget him too.

It's not, and it's almost May.

xx,

Ber