Year 3: The Beginning of the End

I'm back, after this seemingly never-ending hiatus.

Today was the first day back at school, and I'm officially a senior. Seeing these words be typed out on the screen and processing this nugget of information still is so unbelievable. It seems like literally last week that it was my own DOC, but that was 2 years ago. Isn't that crazy?

My poly experience has honestly been amazing, and I'm so thankful for all the things I've learnt, academic-wise, and in other areas of life. And, I'm so happy I've made such good friends, and found the people I want to stay friends with for a long time to come.

I've decided to start blogging and actually maybe stick to this so that I can say I'm doing something right for once, and I will be posting weekly with life updates, rants, think pieces and whatever may come.

But, a summary of what has happened since my last post last October (oh God, I'm so bad at updating), was basically I went to my first USS Halloween Horror Nights, and I seriously shit my pants, but it was an amazingly fun night with the squad.

In November, I attended my lovely friend's Sweet 16 at ZOUK (yes, you read that right), and caught up with a lot of my juniors. It made me tear thinking about how I saw them blossom throughout the years from awkward teens to young ladies. I would have given a speech, but I would have been a sobbing mess on the floor, this is no exaggeration.

A few days later, I attended Sundown Festival with the full squad and it was so fun, we were just running around everywhere, listening to amazing music, and just chilling. I took a photo with a member from local hardcore band, Caracal, and he was sweaty as hell, but still cool.

December was an eventful month, with Christmas and whatnot. They had an absolutely stunning event at Gardens by the Bay, and we went there to take a look at the lights and revel in the Christmas spirit. A few days after that, we also went to the Louis Vuitton Series 3 exhibition at Marina Bay Sands, and it was almost a spiritual experience, not gonna lie.

I ended my 2015 with an absolute bash, because I went to see the New Years Eve fireworks for the first time in my life, with my favorite people, and it was honestly gorgeous, and I loved every moment of it.

2016 started off pretty good, to be honest. I went on a local field trip in January with Lianne, and we went around to museums with our CDS. It was the most aesthetically pleasing day of that entire month. Singapore is really stepping up their art scene, and I really appreciate and love that. Bree turned 19 and we made a hilarious video for him and we stuffed our faces with food at Swee Choon, and January ended like that.

I skipped a few days of school during the long Chinese New Year weekend and spent five days in Hokkaido, freezing my ass off in 5 degrees. It was my first time in Hokkaido and I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I literally rode a snow mobile. I was alone on Valentines Day, but hey, we can't have everything, right?

March was an amazing month, because it was the beginning of my 2 month holiday. I spent a week in Korea in the most amazing winter-to-spring transition weather on a Global Perspectives school trip. But before that, we did celebrate Joy's big 20 at Zouk. The details will remain a secret (wink).

Happy Birthday Joy, you're old but still STUPID! Love you xo

Korea honestly felt like a holiday, because we went to so many recreational places, like Ocean World, and Myeongdong and Hongdae. But, we did do some learning as well, with factory and museum visits and we even had to complete a learning journal. Yes, those still exist.

April was pretty dull, because most of my friends were overseas at staggered timings, or they were working, so we didn't hang out much at all, but now it's May, and I'm probably going to see them everyday in school because we have the same timetables.

That's basically everything that has been going on in my life right now, and I hope I will stick to my word this time and I'll be back next week with another post. Probably a rant, just saying.

Love,
Ber

The Thing About: Sex

The thing about sex is that it's a completely natural thing to want to do.

The thing about sex is that you are not wrong for wanting, or not wanting to, have it.

The thing about sex is that it feels great, and you should not feel ashamed for admitting it.

The thing about sex is that you can do what you want regarding it, it's your body, it's your rules.

The thing about sex is that it's not sex if it isn't consensual.

The thing about sex is that you can save it for marriage, or don't, and that's ok.

The thing about sex is that you can have it with the your committed partner, or enjoy safe, consensual, casual sex, and it's all fine.

The thing about sex is that you shouldn't let other people pressure you into doing it before you're ready.

The thing about sex is that as long as it's safe, legal, consensual and doesn't hurt anyone, go have as much sex as you want.

The thing about sex is that it's just sex, and having it, or not having it, will not change you as a person.

You are more than your sex life. You are a human, a wonderfully intricate, three-dimensional, and amazing individual. Don't let others control you and dictate your actions based on their morals and their codes and rules. You are you, and they are them. If they hate on you and try to change you, because you are different from them, honestly, tell them to shove it up their ass, and walk away.

Have sex or don't, but always remember to be safe and obtain consent. Have fun fucking 💞

Love,

Ber

Exciting News!

Hey everyone! (idek who u guys are but if ur reading this hollaaaa)

I have great news to share with all of you. As you would probably know, I'm in my second year of poly, and I study fashion and I aspire to be a fashion journalist.

But I am also incredibly lazy, so out of all the long holidays I have ever had, I have never worked a real job. Except for that one event job as a backstage dresser at a fashion show. So this holiday, I resolved myself to get a job/internship/anything to do, but preferably something that lets me learn or improve skills and make connections, something that would look good on my resumé, and expose me even more to the industry.

I went on internsg.com (its a great website for realsies) and applied for two internships, one as an editorial intern and another as a fashion marketing intern. Only one of them got back to me, and it was the one I coveted the most, which was the editorial internship.

After exchanging a few emails with the lady who posted the ad, we met up for an interview and it was the most nervous I had ever been.

I sat and waited for a whole day stewing over whether or not I had gotten the internship, and I waited for ages, constantly checking and re-checking my email, and trying to distract myself in any way possible. I was honestly terrified that they wouldn't want me because I don't have any experience, and I only had 2 articles and a lousy, school-made LinkedIn to back me up.

And today, I received the confirmation email that I have been accepted to Marie France Asia, an online fashion magazine as their newest editorial intern! I was genuinely so happy and so excited, that I couldn't help but share it with my family and closest friends straight away.

I start on Monday and I'm quivering with excitement. So much that I just had to make this post.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: oh my god I'm working at a magazine

More updates to come!

Ber

The Thing About: Love

The thing about love is that it cannot be defined. And the reason it cannot be easily defined, is because there are so many different kinds of love, and within them, things can get complicated.

As humans, we are not two-dimensional beings. We are living, breathing creatures, with one of the most complex and intensive emotional ranges among most beings on the surface of this beautiful but dying Earth.

In the Greek, there are several categories of love, and these words have no English equivalent.

1. Agápe means brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God.
2. Éros means love, mostly of the sexual passion.
3. Philia means affectionate regard, friendship, usually between equals.
4. Storge means love, affection, especially of parents and children.

So, the thing I've been thinking about most, which is probably the most relatable of all, is eros, which is linked to the word erotic. As young people, most of us (unless you're asexual/aromantic), have these feelings for others, regardless of gender and sexual identity. 

But what more than this, that there are even more complex types of feelings, beyond sexual desire, and the craving for intimacy between you and another person. 

I'm actually still figuring it out as I type it, but I think there is also a type of selfish vs. self-sacrificial love. 

Hasn't there been this one person in your life where you look at them and you see the galaxy in their eyes? And they look so beautiful in even the most mundane things they do, it's like watching Beyoncé go grocery shopping. It's boring as shit, but when you see them, they just fill you with such a warm, bubbling feeling. 

When you love someone, or allow yourself to be loved, you are essentially trusting a person with the most harmful weapon to you, that if used, could wreck your entire life and throw your sanity out the window, and literally fuck you up emotionally and mentally, and leave you with an incomplete heart, and having to listen to your soft sobs as you drift off to sleep. You will always either be the one holding the weapon, and also the one having a weapon held to them, when your love is reciprocated. It's so dangerous, and that made me think. 

There is someone in my life that I look at, and I'm almost sure that I look at him the way Sherlock looks at John, but for the life of me, I would never want to be a person holding a knife to him. God forbid I ever hurt him, because I honestly would never be able to live with myself. I care too much, and too purely for him and his well-being that I would never want to be given any sliver of a chance to hurt him in any way, small or big. 

But there have been others, that I look at, and I want them, and at this age, I know that we will end up hurting each other and I don't care, and I just do it anyway. I go for it, and whatever happens, happens.

Now, the thing I can't figure out is: do I love him too much to hurt him, or do I not love him enough to take the risk? Or, do I care too little about others, to not mind entering something knowing that feelings will be hurt? 

I don't know, man.

I just feel that if a love was self-sacrificial, I would love a person enough to know that even if I wasn't their source of happiness, I would still be happy knowing that someone else can make them happier than I ever could. I've felt that love before, but he didn't know. And I don't know whether or not I will ever feel that way again. 

A selfish love would be knowing that I cannot give them what they need, and holding onto them for dear fucking life, and watching them slowly grow and show how unhappy they are with you, until they tear themselves apart from you, and you both are left in pieces and shambles, not knowing where to even begin picking up the broken parts of your heart. 

I don't have the authority or the right to say one is better than the other, or if you are doing one, you should do the other. And I don't really know what I hope to get out of this. Maybe I want answers, maybe I'm just as confused as everyone else. Maybe I'm just hoping some other poor fool will see this and get their shit together. But I know that I do want people to actually think about this more. Really think about it. 

I don't know where I was going with this, but I'll be back with more, very soon. 

xx

Her

Quick Update for August

Time really flies, doesn't it? It feels like my first week of school was just last week, and that I was just a Year One freshman, still high from the aftermath of DOC. In the blink of an eye, I'm now halfway through my polytechnic journey, and after this 2 month break, I'm going back for Semester 2 of my SECOND YEAR. It's just so overwhelming.

2015 has passed especially quickly and I can't explain it but it's just whizzed past me. Christmas is in FOUR MONTHS. Christmas, guys. Christmas. Christmas is in four months. Four months. Christmas. And then it'll be New Year?????? And it'll be 2016!? WHAAAAAAAT.

And it'll be in THIRD YEAR and going for internship and completing my FYP!? And then I'm going to be an adult? Nah man I'm not ready. Nah nah nah nah nah. This is not ok. I'm not even stopping my education after poly, I'm moving to freakin' LONDON for university.

Soon, people will start asking me 'so, do you have a boyfriend?', 'when are you getting married?', 'are you going to give your parents some grandkids soon?'. Oh my God. I'm dying.

I have a lot of posts that may turn into very deep and critical rants upcoming, so after this hella lame post, be ready for some fucking lit blog entries.

xo
Ber

10 Reasons Why You Should Love Yourself

These are trying times. Where we are bombarded every day with unattainable beauty standards and negativity about people who don't fit the bill, or who don't wish to be squished into the mould of conventional beauty, it is hard to feel good about and love yourself, especially if you are one of those who don't fit to that standard, unintentionally or not. It gets very hard to love yourself sometimes, but here are 10 reasons why you should.

1. Because there will always be people who won't.
2. Because when you're breaking down into an ocean of tears on your sheets, and you need someone to there, sometimes there will be no one there, except for yourself. 
3. Because sometimes you'll be surrounded by 'friends' that make you feel very alone and very shitty.
4. Because your parents won't understand, and you won't want to tell them.
5. Because telling your friends will feel like burdening them unnecessarily. 
6. Because you deserve to be loved by someone who will stay forever, and that is you. 
7. Because you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin. 
8. Because you should not NEED to depend on people's opinions to validate your beauty.
9. Because you are made of the same things that make the stars in the sky and the oceans and the galaxy, and you are your own type of beautiful.
10. Because nobody could ever be another you, and that is a superpower within itself. 

Like everyone else, I do experience deep falls into the pit known as self-hatred, and it is hard to escape it. Usually, when I start feeling awful about myself, and when the voices in my head turn vicious, I'm usually alone. And I know how it feels to be alone, lying in bed at night, crying and wishing I wouldn't wake up. 

In those times, I'd let myself drift off to sleep. Those are the fortunate instances where I'll wake up and feel better. But in my waking moments, the only way out of that seemingly endless abyss, is to let it all out, and pick yourself up. 

Tell yourself you are important. You matter, you are gorgeous, majestic and you are worth every single fuck given. It's not easy to do that when you're down in the dumps, sure. But when nobody is there to cuddle you and kiss your forehead and shower you in affection, you have to help yourself. 

Obviously, if you have someone to be there for you, it would be ideal and you'd be lucky. But the matter of fact, is that you'll be alone sometimes, and that is when loving yourself is the most important.

It's a journey, let me tell you. It really is, and it isn't and will not be an easy one. But trust me, it will be worth it. It wasn't easy for me to love myself like the way I do now. It was hard to get to this point. And even though I still have a long way to go, accepting my flaws, and my mistakes and my imperfections, while also acknowledging my strengths, and the good things about me,  have freed me in a way, because I don't rely on peoples' opinions of me to make myself feel better, and negative comments don't affect me either. Because I know myself, and I'm ok with myself, and nobody can take that away from me.

This is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself. 

Love yourself because you deserve it.

Love,

Ber

Coming Out

First of all, before reading the rest of this post, you'll need to familiarize yourself with these two definitions. 

1. bisexual

bʌɪˈsɛksjʊəl,-ʃʊəl/

adjective

1. 1. 

   sexually attracted to both men and women.

   
   

   2. pansexual

panˈsɛksjʊəl,-ʃʊəl/

adjective

adjective: pansexual; adjective: pan-sexual

1. 1. 

   not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

   
   

   
   

   Ok, story time. When I was 11, puberty started happening. It cane with the normal stuff like periods, acne and lot lf it, and also crushes, and sexual awakenings. 

   
   

   I never knew it wasn't normal to experience emotional and physical attractions to more than one gender, and people (the older generation and heretos in general) always hope for it to be the opposite. 

   
   

   And in all honesty, I never realized that everyone else wasn't like me, and didn't only have 'sexy feelings' for boys. While I did have crushes, and quite a fair few of them on boys in church and tuition, I also did have some on girls (I was in an all-girls school). It only dawned on me well into secondary school when I experienced homophobic behaviour, and frankly it came as a shock to me. 

   
   

   For a good 4 or 5 years, I've identified as bisexual, and I'm honestly really happy the way I am. And while I haven't had the courage to come out to everyone, I have told some close friends. Some of them were quite chill and supportive of it, but others said it was the Devil's work (????? And you guessed it, they're CHRISTIAN. Gee, golly, gosh. Isn't God and Jesus all about love for all? I hardly see you preaching that.) 

   
   

   It started a month or so ago, where I began to question my sexuality truly. I did like girls and boys, but the thought occured to me: what about people with other/no gender identity? If I met someone who was soulmate-level perfect for me, would I discount them because they weren't a boy or a girl? 

   
   

   And my answer is no. 

   
   

   Today, in honour of Pink Dot SG 2015, I am officially coming out to everyone who reads this. Friend or foe, it doesn't matter to me, because I don't see a reason to be ashamed or apologetic for who I am. 

   
   

   I am pansexual and proud. 

   
   

   Pansexual doesn't mean 'Oh my God I will bang anyone' or 'I'm really greedy' or 'I have super low standards'. 

   
   

   Pansexuality, to me, is simply, loving anyone who is open to being loved. I don't care if you're a boy, girl, transman, transwoman, binary, agender, or what have you. I don't care if you've transitioned (if you're trans) or if you haven't. If you're straight, bi, gay, ace, demi, pan or anything I've missed out. It just doesn't matter to me one bit. 

   
   

   If you're someone who is open to love, and if we click, if there is a connection between us, I will love you.

   
   

   To anyone who's reading this who haven't come out:

   
   

   You may feel like there's something wrong with you or you feel confused, or if you just don't have the courage to come out to the people around you because you're scared of rejection, animosity or ignorance: you are not alone. 

   
   

   There is a whole community of people who've felt the way you felt, and we are people you can seek help from. We love you, and we support you. If you ever think you're alone in this journey, you're wrong. We're all here, to help you and to guide you, and love you. 

   
   

   To the people who've come out:

   
   

   If you've have positive and supportive responses to your coming out, lucky you! And I'm very happy, and very very proud of you. 

   
   

   If you've had negative and biased replies to your coming out, I know how you feel, and it will get better. Fuck them (not literally), what do they know? They may be your family, or close friends, and not having their approval hurts. And it's fine if they don't wholeheartedly support you, as long as they don't hinder your personal mental and physical and emotional health, just live. If they do, cut them off as soon as ppssible, you don't need that negativity in your system. Surround yourself with beauty and love and supportive people. You'll honestly need it. And don't forget that I'm here, too. 

   
   

   To the people who are going to hate:

   
   

   Literally, GTFO. I have nothing to say to you except: if you don't agree, just shut the hell up. Have your opinion, that's fine. But don't fuck other people up and stay in your lane. 

   
   

   To the people who never made it/feel like giving up:

   
   

   We miss you. 

   
   

   And please, don't give up. Please please please. There is a brighter future ahead for you. Things will be ok. I promise you, that things will get better. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't keep it in, you're not a burden. You're important, you matter, your problems are valid, and you deserve to feel better, you deserve to smile. 

   
   

   I'm anticipating more hate than love for this post, but I honestly don't care. Sprout whatever negativity you want, but I am pansexual and proud, and nothing will change that. 

   
   

   Love, 

   Ber