As humans, we are not two-dimensional beings. We are living, breathing creatures, with one of the most complex and intensive emotional ranges among most beings on the surface of this beautiful but dying Earth.
In the Greek, there are several categories of love, and these words have no English equivalent.
- Agápe means brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God.
- Éros means love, mostly of the sexual passion.
- Philia means affectionate regard, friendship, usually between equals.
- Storge means love, affection, especially of parents and children.
So, the thing I've been thinking about most, which is probably the most relatable of all, is eros, which is linked to the word erotic. As young people, most of us (unless you're asexual/aromantic), have these feelings for others, regardless of gender and sexual identity.
But what more than this, that there are even more complex types of feelings, beyond sexual desire, and the craving for intimacy between you and another person.
I'm actually still figuring it out as I type it, but I think there is also a type of selfish vs. self-sacrificial love.
Hasn't there been this one person in your life where you look at them and you see the galaxy in their eyes? And they look so beautiful in even the most mundane things they do, it's like watching Beyoncé go grocery shopping. It's boring as shit, but when you see them, they just fill you with such a warm, bubbling feeling.
When you love someone, or allow yourself to be loved, you are essentially trusting a person with the most harmful weapon to you, that if used, could wreck your entire life and throw your sanity out the window, and literally fuck you up emotionally and mentally, and leave you with an incomplete heart, and having to listen to your soft sobs as you drift off to sleep. You will always either be the one holding the weapon, and also the one having a weapon held to them, when your love is reciprocated. It's so dangerous, and that made me think.
There is someone in my life that I look at, and I'm almost sure that I look at him the way Sherlock looks at John, but for the life of me, I would never want to be a person holding a knife to him. God forbid I ever hurt him, because I honestly would never be able to live with myself. I care too much, and too purely for him and his well-being that I would never want to be given any sliver of a chance to hurt him in any way, small or big.
But there have been others, that I look at, and I want them, and at this age, I know that we will end up hurting each other and I don't care, and I just do it anyway. I go for it, and whatever happens, happens.
Now, the thing I can't figure out is: do I love him too much to hurt him, or do I not love him enough to take the risk? Or, do I care too little about others, to not mind entering something knowing that feelings will be hurt?
I don't know, man.
I just feel that if a love was self-sacrificial, I would love a person enough to know that even if I wasn't their source of happiness, I would still be happy knowing that someone else can make them happier than I ever could. I've felt that love before, but he didn't know. And I don't know whether or not I will ever feel that way again.
A selfish love would be knowing that I cannot give them what they need, and holding onto them for dear fucking life, and watching them slowly grow and show how unhappy they are with you, until they tear themselves apart from you, and you both are left in pieces and shambles, not knowing where to even begin picking up the broken parts of your heart.
I don't have the authority or the right to say one is better than the other, or if you are doing one, you should do the other. And I don't really know what I hope to get out of this. Maybe I want answers, maybe I'm just as confused as everyone else. Maybe I'm just hoping some other poor fool will see this and get their shit together. But I know that I do want people to actually think about this more. Really think about it.
I don't know where I was going with this, but I'll be back with more, very soon.
xx
Her
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